'American Idol' Shows the Ladies Some Love in Miami

Glad to know you read the Newvine review of AI befor Television without Pity. :-)

I've got priorities.

So I've mentioned before how much I love Television Without Party for being so
on-target while snarky.
Here's a few examples from their recaps of Miami and Omaha

Some of my favorite parts:
Re: Shannon

Simon's like, "My hangover would like to grind you in a meat press.
The judges are actively pissed at her for sucking so much, and Shannon jerkily acts flabbergasted that anyone would say she sucks because no one has ever told her that before. Simon's like, "Well then everyone you know is an @!$%#, goodbye."

Re: overall stuff

Here's what's wrong with this season thus far: it's not the lack of trainwreck auditions that's making this @!$%# so dull. There have been plenty of those, and they're as repetitive as they've ever been. No, the problem is that the good auditions have been nothing but a mass of sob stories and similar sounding voices, so it all runs together. Never mind the fact that there have been at most five contestants so far that have seemed better than adequate, and it all just looks pretty grim. Good thing we have a couple weeks worth of the Hollywood round to help us flesh out some of these...oh right. Smooth move as ever, Uncle Nigel. Syesha Mercado (20, Miami, FL) talks a lot of bull@!$%# about the power of positive thinking, then unveils her alcoholic dad and, like we've said, they've diluted that pool way, way too much this season. This is getting to Top Model levels of tragedy one-upsmanship. Wake me when we get to the one with Asperger's. Oh wait, that's everyone. Inside, Randy reveals that Syesha's an "actor/singer" which fits her natural sense of drama, and the she sings "Think" in this completely obnoxious shouty/screamy/screechy voice. Randy and Paula eat that @!$%# up, though, because "Loud Is The New Good" didn't make its way onto a t-shirt for nothing. Simon thought it was "a bit of an effort," and he's incredulous as hell while Randy and Paula are embarrassing themselves by calling her the best they've seen in Florida, but in the end even he votes yes, for unclear reasons. What the @!$%# was that, you guys? I felt like the show and I were operating on the same wavelength last season. Now I just want the show to stop punching me in the nards.

And these two paragraph full o' great adjectives:

Ryan cracks jokes about Simon and Randy flirting in Paula's absence, and it's just as grody and weird, from as many thousand directions, as you imagine. Also grody and weird, although adorably so, is the squirrelly and wriggly and grammar-deprived giggle monster Chris Bernheisel (24, Fremont NE), in case you were thinking he's not a little baby child girl-man, he brings gifts: stuffed animals for the judges, and a picture album focusing mainly on Kelly Clarkson, whose "Since U Been Gone" he destroys immediately. All this in addition to his very shiny face, completely vapid, lovely, deeply needy eyes and his shaky, warbly, awful voice. I don't know what to say about him. If you draw a line from Tamagotchi to Gigapets to Nintendogs, at some point in the future I think you get Chris. Well, okay. You know how sometimes you get a very strongly bred, um, like a golden retriever or a Lassie dog, you know. Genetically strengthenede through inbreeding in order to produce specific effects in the breeding stock or whatever, I don't know exactly how that side of things works. And maybe somebody didn't carry the one in their big breeding notebook, or made some other kind of simple mistake. And you look into their eyes: very excited, very happy to see you. Very, very excited and happy about life. My best friend Will calls it the Hasselhoff Look. And if you keep looking, then further down it's just sparks and a light golden haze, and you realize that the absolute happiest people in the world are probably totally insane. And this is Chris Bernheisel.

And lastly:

Oh, but speaking of losers who are desperate for attention, we have found their queen. Meet Lady Morgue (25, Council Bluffs IA), a former professional wrestler with a fake British accent, an eye for Matrix gear, and a blue ribbon I just gave her for Most Off-Putting Person Ever Recorded. She's like an overweight, camel-toed Juno MacGuff with a Magic: The Gathering player's discomfiting self-confidence. She smacks Ryan and then shows the judges her camel toe, while singing like a weirdo jackass. This is the reason I believe in bullying, this right here. Nobody ever understands that when I say that, but seriously: two weeks of serious mean girling would knock at least ten pounds of this bull@!$%# off her. Her eye makeup would seem to be from the house of Crayola, her stubby little arms look Tyrannosaurian coming out of her stupid shiny jacket, the camel toe, I don't know if I mentioned that but she's still rocking the camel toe, she's got a kickin' turtleneck happening with her lopsided boobs... It's a travesty. It's a goddamned travesty. It's the worst... The pure, unmitigated evil bastards that even put this on the show. She won't quit singing, or laughing, or being creepy looking, or acting stupid. She loves being interesting and different, she loves smiling when people are mean to her, she deserves every horrible thing that ever happened to her in her entire life, and there is no fixing her, goodbye, goodbye Lady Morgue, goodnight, sweet Lady Morgue. Your My Other Car Is A Broom bumper sticker is in the mail, you total @!$%#.

They dont usually curse quite so much but I think next time someone asks what "snarky"means you/I can point to that, especially a comment like this:

My best friend Will calls it the Hasselhoff Look. And if you keep looking, then further down it's just sparks and a light golden haze, and you realize that the absolute happiest people in the world are probably totally insane. And this is Chris Bernheisel.

will offer two cases to disprove that. I want to be an NBA center and Scott wants to be a writer!

Hey! You claim to be a rocket scientist with a colorful history but refuse requests for an interview.

Five words: I write therefore I am.

Vacelts,
This cracked me up!

Randy even got in on the fun demonstrating to Richard Valles of Tampa his nasal sound. And I think that Simon was underestimating 20-year-old Brandon Black when he told him that his performance was "bordering on desperation." See, I thought it was clearly desperate.